Just a question

Is 13% body fat good or bad? Because that's what a machine tells me I've got.

Why am I even listening to a machine, anyway? I mean, all they ever do is rise up and destroy humanity, and god knows, I don't need THAT again.

something positive

Some days, I feel like, no matter how hard I try, I just miss the mark. I try to express myself most days, and I can at least describe the geography of my feelings, even if I can't pinpoint their exact location. Today, though, I'm just... desperate. Grasping. Holding on too tightly, even. Maybe just insecure, I don't know. But I feel like my mind is racing to keep up, like I'm realizing things a second before it's too late, seeing the car coming just in time to realize I can't dodge it. Not funny enough, not smart enough, not...enough. Just not enough. I want to be more.

One and One

Years ago, I was sent to Paris for some consumer gaming show. I forget the name of the show now -- it was all a bit of a blur, and I had a temperature clocking in at about 105-107 degrees. Not quite the point where hallucinations kick in, but certainly high enough to keep me from wanting to be alive.

The plane had been delayed for hours, and I was still nervous about the whole prospect of going to Paris, demoing Diablo for a day or two, and then going to some media event to demonstrate the game on French TV. I think I was supposed to leave at 8.00 PM and finally took flight sometime around 2.00 AM or so. Exhaustion and fever have claimed any memories I might have had of the flight itself.

When I arrived in Paris, I was shuttled off to the hotel by some guy from Ubisoft, I think -- they used to distribute Blizzard, if I'm remembering correctly. I made it to the hotel, and I couldn't sleep, but I needed my rest. I lied there in bed for a few hours, watching MTV Europe and wondering if I'd be able to survive this whole experience. The song "One and One," by Robert Miles, came on. I'd never heard it before, but it had everything I needed: a vaguely trashy europop sound, surreal imagery, and strangely compelling lyrics buried in the pop-anthemic sound. Some of the lyrics still stick in my head:
"A heart isn't always true,
and I am not always fine.
We all have an angry heart
sometimes.

When all is said and done,
one and one still is one.
When we cry, when we laugh,
I am half, you are half."

Just strange lyrics that find application in my mind from time to time to time...

I'm not even sure I could explain the weird significance I put on them, but thankfully, I don't have to.

listening: Well, duh.
drinking: Newcastle
reading: Pattern Recognition, William Gibson
thinking: What the fuck are those cats doing down there?